The Most Annoying Thing an Englishman Can Do
In an attempt to continue the long journey of self-improvement, I have often asked folks – both friends and acquaintances:
“What is the most annoying, irritating or generally irksome thing that Englishmen do?“
To this question I have received multiple answers, both asinine plain mundane. Today however was an interesting day, because for the very first time in my memory I received an honest and decent reply. An American gentleman I have spoken to on a number of occasions answered me after taking pause for thought:
“Stop popping your monocle every time you’re taken aback, shocked or flustered – I hate it when you do that.”
This resonated with me, and I could immediately see his point of view. A swift apology ensued as I took a moment to consider exactly how cumbersome this particular problem is. I cannot begin to explain how many monocles I’ve lost because of this. It’s irritating mostly because whenever I go to watch play or cinematic performance I must take at least five or six spares, since whenever I am remotely startled – such as when a table leg or a lady’s ankle is exposed [Damn, there goes another one… – FM] the blasted thing will often fall straight into my teacup. The further downside is that because of the necessity for these extra monocles, I can only carry half of the amount of teabags that one would generally require during a night out. It is utterly infuriating at the best of times, I can assure you..!
I did on one occasion attempt to fasten my monocle to a remarkably ornate golden chain – gifted to me by a dear friend – in an attempt to simply ‘re-use’ each eyepiece, and I have to say this solution worked wonderfully for a long while until on one dreadful evening said-chain became bitterly entangled in my smoking pipe and the resultant kerfuffle to disentangle my digits damn near burned me alive.
It was in the aftermath – while I was surveying my singed moustache that I decided – it was either the chain or the pipe that had to go. In the end due to necessity, the chain lost that particular battle.
I like to think that this episode served to help improve my life. I now have taken to storing extra supplies beneath my hat so that I can watch even the longest of cinematic-features without having to take a personal intermission. It is my sincere hope that this has also served as a sort of ‘life’ ‘hack’ for those among you plagued by similar circumstance.
And to my friend, the American: I do apologise once again. Perhaps one day someone much cleverer than I will invent a means to hold a Monocle to the face without risk of it plummeting at the slightest spook. Perhaps even a means to enhance the eyesight of both eyes simultaneously – with perhaps a wire contraption to hold both eyepieces to the face by say – hooking them behind the ears. Some sort of ‘bi-ocal’ device. I await such a day with great relish.
I am interested in what you lot have to contribute to the empire of evil – what contraptions have you dreamt up? Maybe we can make one of your suggestions become a reality!
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As always, dear reader, I will look forward to the next time we find ourselves together here in this place.
FM out.