The Sheer Brilliance of the Vogon Constructor Fleet

Once again, dear reader, I have been inspired by a force for evil that brings a tear to my conflagrant eye and cannot but help write briefly about it. Today I speak of none other than Douglas Adams’ magnificent Vogons, originally put to paper in ‘The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy’.

The Vogon Constructor Fleet is a marvel of engineering that is truly, literally, out of this world. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Building planets? How impressive could that be?” Well, let me tell you, the Vogons are masters of their craft, and their ability to create unique and customised planets is nothing short of genius. Not quite the genius that sits at this side of the typewriter, granted, however the Vogon sense of ‘creativity’ on an intergalactic scale is only matched by their grotesque appearance, and their infamous prose.

Vogon ships are yellow chunky slablike somethings, huge as office buildings, silent as birds. They hang in the air in much the same way that bricks don’t.

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – entry on ‘Vogon Constructor Fleets’

When the Vogon Constructor Fleet is commissioned to build a planet, they take their job seriously. They don’t just punch-in for work, slap together some rocks and dirt and call it a day. Oh no, my friend, they meticulously design every aspect of the planet to suit the exacting needs and desires of their very particular clients. From the air quality to the temperature and weather patterns, everything is perfectly tailored to ensure maximum satisfaction, which is then invoiced, taxed, financed and generally paperworked until the new owner has almost zero desire to lock eyes on their new marble ever again out of disgust.

What really sets the Vogons apart from the rest of the galaxy’s more mediocre planet-builders is their exquisite attention to detail. They don’t just create generic planets, no sir. They create fully-realised worlds with their own unique charms, character, and personality, something A.I has not quite managed to do yet. It’s like they’re hand-crafting a piece of art rather than forcing complex geology to occur.

Let us also not forget about their incredibly advanced technology! The Vogon Constructor Fleet has the most impressive machines and devices you’ve ever seen. The huge yellow beasts ‘with black pipes and cables snaking off them that can move entire planets’ themselves notwithstanding, capable of utilising their unique hyperdrive technology that allows them to easily master travel that is faster than the speed of light. It’s would be enough to make your head spin – if you’re equipped with the requisite spherical bearings in your physiology.

Vogon tools are equally impressive, such as the “materioptikon,” a device with which these superlative beings can create physical matter seemingly out of thin air. Also, the Vogons usage of the brilliant “sub-etha sens-o-matic” can detect the presence of life forms on a planet, to make sure that the requisite planning papers are forwarded to the appropriate representatives of the more sentient planets, for Vogons are nothing if not practically clothed in red tape.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Vogons are such unpleasant beings!” And yes, it’s true, they’re not known for their warm and fuzzy personalities, or warm and fuzzy exteriors, or anything approaching the concept of warmth, or a texture that isn’t also used to describe a week-old bowl of porridge. But let’s not let that distract us from the sheer brilliance of their Constructor Fleets. They are a true masterpiece of engineering and creativity that deserves our utmost admiration and respect.

The Vogon Constructor Fleet is truly a wonder of the galaxy that will no doubt leave you – like me, dear reader, awestruck and impressed.

Now, I realise I have been all too-brief on the subject of the specifics of the Vogons and their wholly-remarkable ways, but this was simply an exercise to get me back into the groove of writing posts I thought that this was good little entry point. Now, I must make for the R&D department of the lair to gently encourage a few henchpersons to work on my own magnificently malign machinations… ಠ_ರೃ

– F.M.